1428 Elm
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2016 US Presidency: Vote Cthulhu or Ash?

By Joey Click

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When choosing a political candidate, the options range from vast to slim depending on the primary and overall quality of politicians. Seeing as the US will see the arrival of a new Head of State next year-with the removal of two-term champion Barack Obama, 1428 proposes possibly the most interesting question of all. Who should be the new representative to lead our great nation onto even more greatness: Cthulhu or Ashley Williams? Rival political advisors Billy Cripps and Joey Click weigh in below and attempt to convince you their respective candidates are the ones for the job.

BILLY CRIPPS (Representative of Cthulhu)-

It’s almost time, residents of Elm Street. We’re a year away from voting for the next President of The United States of America. Let’s face it. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Republican or Democrat. With the choices we have, we’re screwed either way. That’s why I say it’s time for a change. Forget the old parties, it’s time to elect an Elder God. Why should you vote for the dark Lord Cthulhu you ask? I’m glad you asked. Let’s talk about the issues shall we?

Gun Control-

This one is definitely something the liberals can get behind. Who needs guns or even gun control when the country is being run by a giant all-powerful Squid-like Elder God? This may turn off the Conservatives, but there’s always the next issue.

Illegal Immigration-

There would be no need for a wall between borders. No one would want to come to America legally or otherwise because of our fearless leader, they’d be too scared to. Our next issue I think would make both sides happy, though.

ISIS/War in General-

Again the fear factor. We wouldn’t need to send our guys somewhere to risk their lives. Our Dark Lord Cthulhu could handle things all by himself. Our enemies can do nothing to an immortal. It might just achieve peace in the Middle East out of fear sure, but the end justifies the means, right? Now for something really important…

Equal Rights/Religious Freedom-

We’d all be equal in the eyes of our Dark Lord Cthulhu. Gay, straight, transsexual, black, white, Asian, none of this matters to Cthulhu. No rights are equal rights, right? Religious freedom? Sure there’d be only one religion, The Church of Cthulhu. All problems solved.

So remember residents of Elm Street, when the polls open in 2016, vote for Cthulhu.

JOEY CLICK (Representative of Ashley Williams)

Survivors of Springwood, Now that you’ve been introduced to Ash’s rival candidate, Cthulhu, allow me to argue why you should instead vote for Ashley Williams and not that death demon. As Ash’s political advisor, and the one who keeps his beer’s flowing, the lovely ladies coming, and his chainsaw sharpened, I know first-hand the fighter of Deadites is used to slaying a demonic dumbarse or two. He’s been doing it for years and now he’s going to do it on the election circuit. You ready vicious voters, because this might get a little bloody. Try not to get any red runny liquid in the ballot boxes.

More from 1428 Elm

Gun Control-

Cthulhu claims with his power, we wouldn’t need gun control. That he could make all our troubles go away with the whisk of his masterfully magical ways. Ash doesn’t subscribe to this idiot buffoon (Mr. Williams’ words, not mine). Not only does your future president possess the Necronomicon, which would get rid of ole Cthulhu if Ash desired, but he must be equipped with his magical broomstick as well. Not only does Ash believe it’s every American’s right to obtain fire power, he also wants every American to be ready if the Deadites fully take over the world. He’s been able to contain it thus far, but in 2016 who knows? Please vote responsibly.

Illegal Immigration-

Cthulhu claims that with his almighty power, no one would want to cross over into land of the free and home of the brave. While there may be truth to this, Ash feels American should be the home for all non-Deadites of the world. Mr. Williams’s plan is simple, legalize every immigrant already here and place strong restriction to those wanting to cross over but do it illegally. President-hopeful Ashley William’s isn’t a bad man, but a man of principle, and most importantly, of the people. Just look to his new trusty sidekick Pablo, he doesn’t decimate based on race. In fact, he feels a few Mexicans can get you out of a bind. Just don’t forget the Churros.

ISIS/War in General-

Sure, Cthulhu is a Dark Lord, with the ability to not only strike fear into the minds of our enemies, but easily destroy them. But think about this one, citizen sinners of the nation. Ash possess the Book of the Dead, the text bound in human flesh, that hellish piece of literature the Necronomicon. Ash will simply unleash the Deadites on our enemy, and once our enemies are destroyed, nestle the insatiable spirits back into the creepy pages of the book. Do you really want Cthulhu striking fear into the minds of not our enemies, but our allies too? This might affect our world traded economy, and that would be no Bueno (Ash taught me that, see, he already knows a little Spanish, immigrants).

Equal Rights/Religious Freedom-

Cthulhu claims that we would all be equal and labels would go the way of the 8Track. While Mr. Williams does agree with this, Ash also believes that we should embrace our difference, and quite frankly, it’s none of his business what you do behind closed doors. You’re next President, who would most likely make his sidekick Pablo your Vice President, doesn’t see race or sex. Unless it’s a hottie, and he can maybe role play with the beautiful babe, he leaves one’s sexual orientation alone like the body of his next Deadite victim.

IN CLOSING-

So there you have it residents of Elm, your two top candidates for Presidency in the upcoming 2016 election. While you may not agree with each candidate, pick wisely, and think before you vote. The country, and possibly the world, may depend on it. Cast your votes in the comments below and keep on keeping on Creeps.

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