Evil Dead: What If Ash taught Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts?
By Billy Cripps
— Courtesy of Lionsgate
Harry Potter and The Chin: Chapter 2
The First Lesson
Early morning, Harry dawned his invisibility cloak and makes his way down to the Quidditch pitch where the first Defense Against The Dark Arts lesson is taking place. As luck would have it, this particular class his son James was in. Also present is Ron and Hermione’s daughter, Rose.
Even though Gryffindors and Slytherin hated one another on principle, they always seemed to be put in a lot of the same classes. For a second Harry thought he used a time turner. Among the Slytherins there stands a blonde boy –there’s no mistake who this is. Scorpius Malfy, son of his old Rival, Draco.
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In the center of the crowd of students stands Ash with another woman and man who weren’t introduced at the Great Hall last night. The two strangers are considerably younger than Ash. They stand in front of a makeshift table. On the table is a strange book, Harry has never seen before. It appears to have a face on it. The rest of table holds stacks of long cardboard boxes. Upon them is a word Harry doesn’t recognize “Remington”. The strange muggle clears his throat and begins to speak.
“Alright, you magical screwheads listen up! My name is Ash so none of that Professor crap, got it? To my left is Pablo, and Kelly. Yes we are as you people say ‘meggles’ .Rose interrupts “That’s muggles sir.” Ash shrugs and continues.“Whatever, kid. That’s 100 points from Gryffindor. Never interrupt me.”
The students let out a collective gasp. Rose is like her mother, a teacher’s pet. she has never lost points for her house. Ash bangs his metallic right hand on the table to regain attention.
“Now as I was saying before I was interrupted, your magic is all well and good but there are more conventional ways to battle dark magic that even us ‘meggles’ can do.”
Ash holds up the strange book. Everyone looks to Rose expecting her to know what the book is.
“This children, is the root of all dark magic. It is called the Necronomicon, also known as “The Book Of The Dead”. Now I’m going to lay this book down by one of those weird giant bubble wand things you call goals. What I want is a volunteer to use one of your spells to see if you can damage it.”
Harry shifts from foot to foot nervously. He’s pretty sure even Hermione has never heard of this book. Is it some as yet unknown dark wizard’s Horcrux? He can’t just let this muggle expose the students let alone his son and niece to something so dangerous.
“Wait one minute!” Harry bellows.
There is a gasp as Harry whips off his invisibility cloak, wand at the ready. Ash squints and walks over to Harry with the Necronomicon in hand.”
“Who the hell are you? Put the stick down kid you’ll poke someone’s eye out.”
Ash notices the lightning bolt shaped scar on Harry’s forehead.
“That takes dedication, kid. I like The Flash as much as the next guy, but to carve his logo in your head that takes guts. I don’t know how long you were standing there, the name’s Ash”
Ash holds out his left hand. Harry reluctantly shakes the muggle’s hand.
“Harry Potter, Auror for the Minstry of Magic. As such I can not in good conscious allow you to risk the lives of these children with that Horcrux.”
Ash gives Harry a quizzical look, while scratching his chin.
“Well, Harry I don’t know what the hell an Auror is or a Horcrux either, but I can assure you these children are in no danger… unless they actually read three certain words from this book.”
Skeptical Harry snatches the book from Ash’s hand. Upon touching the strange leather like material he immediately senses evil. He flips through the pages aghast.
“Is this written in… blood?”
Ash smirks, and nods.
“Yes, and the binding is human skin.”
Harry drops the book quickly as if it suddenly burned to touch. Ash picks the book up from the ground and carries it to left hand side of the Quidditch pitch. He props the book upon the middle of the three goals. Satisfied he turns and motions toward Rose.
“You, know-it-all come here. Take out your stick.”
With a shudder Rose walks over to stand beside Ash. He pats her on the back reassuringly.
“Easy, girl. Like I told four eyed Flash over there is no danger if you don’t actually read the book outloud. Now I want you to direct a fire spell at the Necronomicon.”
Rose steadies herself physically, but there is still a tremor in her voice and she shouts “I-i-incendio!” The spell hits the book head on and it doesn’t appear to take any damage at all. Harry is now sure the book IS a Horcrux. Ash walks over and picks the book up. It isn’t hot.
“I believe that’s enough for today. Class dismissed. Get some rest, tomorrow the real fun begins.”
A sense of dread comes over Harry at Ash’s final words. He is going to keep a close eye on this eccentric muggle — he already doesn’t trust this man. However, tomorrow promises to be interesting. It does seem like the muggle knows what he is doing.
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Harry Potter and The Chin will continue….