Ash Wednesday: Bruce Campbell surefire dating tips
It’s Ash Wednesday here at 1428 Elm. Yes, it is the time to celebrate the one, the only, Bruce Campbell. Today, I have a real treat for you. The YouTube series, Single AF decided to create the world’s most stressful date. Guess who the host asked for advice? Sit back because you know this is going to be good!
“That is horrible and also awesome.” – Kelly Maxwell
The Date
The YouTube series, Single AF decided that they were going to subject their host to the most stressful date ever. So, what do you think it might be? Dinner at a swanky restaurant? No. Designer cocktails at the hottest bar in town? Not even close. An escape room? Ding, ding, ding! Tell them what they have won, Johnny!
If you don’t know what an escape room is, let me explain. You and your friends pay to get locked in a room where you have to solve a series of puzzles in order to escape. Think of it as a game of Clue in real life. Word to the wise, bring people you like to an activity like this because if you don’t, it may end up being an episode of Murder, She Wrote.
Before the host, Zack attempts this monumental undertaking, he decides that he needs to solicit advice from a man who has been around the block a few times. Of course, he knows who to hit up for suggestions on how to woo the ladies. None other than Bruce Campbell.
The Master Class
Right off the bat, you can tell that this guy is about to be schooled and Campbell doesn’t disappoint. Let’s listen in.
Bruce Campbell: Why would you pick something that was obviously distressing?
Zack: If I can get through this then I will never be stressed out again.
BC: Can I give you a quick riddle?
Zack: Yeah, please.
BC: You’re in a room. No doors. No windows. Just a mirror and a skeleton. How do you get out?
Zack: I just throw the skeleton at the mirror?
BC: You look in the mirror. You see what you saw. Take the saw. Cut the skeleton in half. Two halves make a whole. You get out through the hole.
Wow. Okay. I guess this date is going to be harder than what Zack thought. That riddle made my head spin so I think I am going to do a shot of tequila to prepare for what’s next because I think Zack will be stressing out.
Blind Dates or a Trip through Craig’s List
I don’t know if I have ever wanted to ask Bruce Campbell this question but Zack is a braver soul than I am.
Zack: Blind dates?
BC: (Dripping sarcasm) Those are pretty awesome.
Zack: I get stressed out.
BC: That’s because you are caring too much. What is care in dating? Worry. What is worry? Failure. Failure is no dates.
Mind blown! That answer pretty much sums up my high school years. Thanks, Groovy Bruce.
The Gunslinger
No, when I use the term “gunslinger,” I am not talking about Stephen King’s the Dark Tower. This happens to be Bruce’s approach upon meeting someone for the first time.
BC: Hit it, get some impact, then ease up with a little ice cream on top.
Trust me, you have to see the visual for this handshake because it is flat out ridiculous. I found myself laughing out loud. That approach needs a little refinement because it doesn’t really sound like it is just a greeting, if you know what I mean, Jelly Bean.
The Prime Objective
Zack really seems clueless about how the man-woman relationship works. Then again, it can be a mystery. Unfortunately, for our nerdy boy here, he is going to meet his date’s father. This sounds like a great plan! Lucky for him, he has Bruce along for the ride to set him straight.
Zack: Once I’m in the heat of the moment, solving the puzzle should be my primary objective.
BC: No. Hooking up with that woman is your primary objective. Don’t get distracted by the game even though you have to focus on the game in order to win and impress her. A hand on the chin always works.
If you meet the father, the cool thing is to sucker punch him right from the go get. He is gonna respect you.
Zack: What would be a wrong thing to say?
BC: Don’t say, “Your dad is a butt hole.”
Sage advice, Bruce. Sage advice.
Groovy, Man
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Someone on Zack’s crew convinced him that an “edible” (pot brownie) would help ease his nerves before the date. It was recommended that he eat only half of it. That means he will eat the entire thing.
BC: The edible might actually save you. That way it will be real to you and when it is real to you, you will rise to the occasion. You will find new synapses will go off in your mind and come surging up like a fountain.
For those of you that enjoy Ash vs Evil Dead, indulge me for a moment. I feel as if I have stepped into the Brujo episode. This particular show focused on Ash obtaining his mantra, “shoot first, think never” after ingesting some powerful mojo drug from a shaman.
After hearing that bit of dialogue, I am just going to close my eyes and start meditating on like the oneness of my being with the universe, man.
Words of Wisdom
Does Bruce have any insight or philosophy when it comes to this crazy little thing called dating? Let’s see if Zack is able to find out.
Zack: How do you knock away the stress, have fun and be yourself on a date?
BC: By knowing that ultimately, there is someone for everybody out there, even idiots. So, even if you fail, there’s still somebody on this planet that will look at you and say, “This guy is for me.”
Well, there you have it! You will have to see the video below to find out if Zack was successful on his date using Bruce’s “techniques.” Maybe a future book idea for Campbell to consider would be a guide to navigating the world of relationships. I would love to hear his thoughts on Tinder or Match.com.
Next: Ash Wednesday: Bruce Campbell and T-Money get all hip hop, yo!
Do you think Bruce gives good relationship advice? Will Zack get the girl? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section below. We want to hear from you!