Don’t Open Till Christmas: A forgotten slasher movie review
You know Silent Night, Deadly Night, Gremlins, and Elves.
Black Christmas, and Krampus, and Better Watch Out,
But what about this?
Don’t Open Till Christmas?
Don’t Open Till Christmas
Is a slasher very few may know
But if you dress like Santa
Your day’s gonna blow!
In this horror classic
Santa Claus dies a lot!
Anyone dressed like Santa
Will get effing shot!
There’s no place that you can hide,
From the Psycho’s knife!
If he sees you in a red suit
You best run for your life!
Ok, that’s enough!
Ho, ho, ho my Nasties! It’s the most fiendish time of year! Gingerdead men are hung on hooks with care in hopes that old Krampus won’t come around here. So, come gather near the fire and keep away from the dark. It may be Christmas time but that doesn’t mean the horror has to end, oh no, quite the contrary.
Christmas – Don’t Open Till Christmas – Courtesy of Spectacular Trading International
Some movies take the time to build suspense and construe plot but Don’t Open Till Christmas doesn’t waste time on any of that. It sticks the knife in right away and then twists it nice ‘n’ proper.
Let’s be frank here, the only reason to watch this little British slasher is to see how many Santa Clauses get killed and all the colorful ways they meet their end.
In one scene, a department-store Santa excuses himself for a bathroom break. However, while taking care of his merry business he gets his ho-ho sliced off by a straight razor!
The urinal fills with jets of spouting blood and gives the gruesome scene a festive red and white shine. Just like a messy Candy Cane! Ho, ho, holy crap!
My favorite death though is when another Santa gets pushed face first into a hobo fire and promptly bursts into flames like a sack of dry leaves. He glows bright and shiny enough to be a Christmas star.
Christmas – Don’t Open Till Christmas – Courtesy of Spectacular Trading International
They did take time to give us a few nasty kills, but I think it’s a missed opportunity that they didn’t have a Santa impaled atop a tree.
This is not one to watch with the whole family. So tuck the little ones in bed and watch it at your own leisure. It’s a sleazy kind of movie where Santas are everyday working Joes who just want to clock out and get home, the peep show, or bar.
Next. Horror on Hulu for the jolly month of December. dark
Do good to your fellow ghouls this holiday, my Nasties. Don’t hurt Santa, he’s breaking his back to make the holiday special. So, watch a movie where he dies a lot instead. Have some eggnog and cookies and make Don’t Open Till Christmas your new solstice tradition.
Manic out!
Have you heard of Don’t Open Till Christmas? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.