Dora the Explorer: Forget Diego, Machete joins cast

This time, it’s personal. Machete himself, Danny Trejo, has joined the cast of the live action Dora the Explorer movie. Your childhood memories are at risk. We’ve got intel!

Machete lives!

Did you even know there was going to be a live action adaptation of Dora the Explorer? Well, buckle up. Nickelodeon’s Dora and the Lost City of Gold is set to hit theaters this August. The trailer drops this weekend during the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards.

This version of the exploradora with a backpack will be a freshman in high school. Per Entertainment Weekly, Dora will be played by seventeen year old Isabela Moner (Sicario: Day of the Soldado). Diego will be joining the fun, as well. He’s played by Jeffrey Wahlberg (Counterpart). Yes. He’s related to Mark and Donnie. Wahlberg replaces Micke Moreno, who, per a report from People, left the film shortly after production began.

That’s all cool and great. But we are gathered here today to discuss Boots. One of the most endearing features of Dora the Explorer was its inclusiveness. The eight year old Latinx addressed a lack of diversity on kids shows, normalized bilingualism, and encouraged kids to speak up for themselves. And, just to make people feel like this was still a kids show, there was a talking monkey who loved to wear boots. Its name? Boots.

Boots sounded like he was around Dora and Diego’s age: an adolescent. Well. In Lost City of Gold, Boots will be voiced by Danny Trejo. I get it. After decades of playing a tough guy, Trejo probably wanted to make something that kids could watch. Schwarzenegger did Kindergarten Cop. DeNiro made Rocky and Bullwinkle. Jason Statham’s voice was in Gnomeo and Juliet.

But, Boots is still animated in the live action Dora. The possibilities are limitless. Gone is the timid Boots who repeated everything Dora said. Sure, he completed missions on his own. But, now that the cedar aged, dulcet tones of Machete will be his voice, Boots can now properly throw down against some big bads. Forget Avengers: Endgame spoilers. This is what we’ve always wanted.

Picture it: Dora and Diego are on their way to help the animals because they are pure of spirit. Along the way, they catalog all of the animals they see. Occasionally, they break the 4th wall and ask the audience if they thought a peacock looked like an alley pigeon in toxic waste. You know, like Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan.

Then someone laughs at Dora. The laughs grow louder. Shadows emerge from the trees. We see the torn and tattered white smock-vests. It’s the cashiers from the local snack shop. They’re territorial. They don’t like teenagers. And most importantly, they’re cannibals.

Machete-Danny Trejo-Courtesy of Jason Merritt/Getty Images

Dora and Diego are frozen in terror. They break the 4th wall to ask the audience for help. But the audience can’t help. They’re the audience. Some are horrified by what they’re watching. A majority are on the edge of their seats in anticipation of the carnage.

All of a sudden you start to hear a whistle. It grows louder. You start to hear someone’s low, gravely voice. They’re singing, “I love my boots. My boots and me. They help me swing from tree to tree.” Out of the ether a motorcycle engine can be heard buzz sawing over everyone’s head. It’s Boots Machete!

Boots Machete lands on three of the cannibal cashiers, obliterating them. He ghost rides the bike and cascades into the air. He lands on another cannibal’s head. He tears it off with his bare paws and throws it at a group of cannibals.

The severed head explodes on impact. There is blood and fire in the air. Everyone is scared, including Dora and Diego.

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There is one cashier left. It begs for mercy. Boots Machete knows no mercy. He takes off one his beloved boots and throws it at the cannibal. It impales the cannibal.

Boots Machete recalls his boot with the shear force of his will. They day is saved. Boots Machete stands triumphant in a sunset silhouette. All are horrified. End scene.

So, that will not happen in the movie. But it would be a fresh new way to take the franchise. It would undoubtedly end up on The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs on Shudder at some point. I would guess it would probably be paired with Mandy and Sleepaway Camp.

Dora and the Lost City of Gold hits theaters on August 2, 2019. Eugenio Derbez, Benicio Del Toro, Michael Pena, and Adriana Barraza also co-star. Dora tries to save a a lost Inca civilization and her parents.

Are you excited for the live Action Dora the Explorer? Does Danny Trejo’s casting make you more interested? Let’s discuss in the comments!