Michael Myers’ mental notes, part 1: Halloween (1978)

What’s going on in Michael Myers’ mind? We dare to imagine the bleak worldview shaping The Shape into one of horror’s iconic killing machines.

Ever watch a horror movie and wonder what the killer/monster might be thinking? If, not, then what’s wrong with you?! To real horror fans (and anyone who’s honest), it’s the most natural thing in the world to wonder what some nutzoid killer, monster, alien or supernatural being might have going on upstairs. In this case, we’re going to imagine what serial killer/boogeyman Michael Myers might be thinking.

That’s right! About once a month, we’re going to analyze one film of the Halloween franchise from what one might call “The Shape’s perspective.” On that note, be aware that this series of articles might have some dark humor, and might get a little creepy and weird. For example, in the original Halloween, Michael Myers takes it upon himself to kill not just 1 but 2 dogs! Granted, he at least eats one for sustenance, which may be slightly more justifiable.  Still, both kills are definitely taboo in some circles. Either way, this article may offend the squeamish, or those with sound morals lacking a pitch black sense of humor. Be warned!

Michael Myers as a Boy

[After creepily spying on his sister and her boyfriend.] I sure am around someplace, Sis…Well, howdy-doo! This knife and clown mask combo is both stylish and functional!…This mask is hot and it makes me breathe heavy, but every great artist suffers for his craft…Well, I better see what Sis is up to and test out this here knife’s durability…well, now I have solid proof of concept. Also, I really should send a letter to the knife’s manufacturer. Great job! I mean, I feel like an artist who’s at one with his brush, only it’s a kitchen knife and I’m standing above my toppled, lifeless sister. And sorry, sis, but there’s a first time for everything…

[Michael Myers ventures outside and stands around wielding knife.] Oh, hi, mom! Hi, dad! You’ll never guess the day I’ve had…Wait, what’s with this stunned silence routine? Am I in trouble?  Aw, shucks!

Oct. 30, 1978

[Michael leaps onto the Loomis-mobile.] When you jump upon a car/Makes no difference who they are…!  Well, thanks for the ride, lady! Maybe I’ll see you sporadically over the years. Who knows?
[Laurie Strode drops off files at the Myers’ place.] Just the two of us, huh? I like the sound of that!
[Watching Laurie in class.] I’ll see you after class, baby!
[Grabs kid who taunted Tommy Doyle.] You said “Boogeyman,” and here I am.  So whattaya’ want, kid? Oh, so now you run off? Bah! That’s what they always do!…[Looking at Tommy from the Loomis-mobile.] Hmm, I wonder what this kid had to do with my place and my new girl. Oh, well.

Speed kills/A’stalking we will go

[Gaggle of girls says “I think he’s cute” and “Hey, jerk, speed kills!”] Well, then just call me “speedy,” lady. And I am cute, so I won’t fault you for that one.

[Hides behind bushes.] Yeah, I definitely want to take Laurie out tonight, but not in the sense you mean. Tee-hee!

[Standing behind laundry sheets.] Hey, Laurie, I think these are dry now! Well, I gotta’ jet. I can’t just stay creepy in one place, you know. However, these sheets give me an idea for later. In this business we call that a “callback.”

[Dispatching the poor dog, Lester.] Your mouth says “bow-wow” but your life says “bye-bye…” And now I have some Lester leftovers for later [Sorry, but you know it’s true].
[Attending to Annie.] Yeah, here’s what I think of “My Paul”!…Seriously, worst song I’ve ever heard.
[Watching Lynda and Bob.] More babysitter-types making out? Jackpot!
[Admiring his killing of Bob.] I don’t know if it’s art, but I like it!
[Showing off the ghost sheet to Lynda, who shows off her…Halloween treats.] I don’t know if you got my ghost, but I’m about ready to meet yours! [Strangles her with phone cord.]  Well, that all went ac-cord-ing to plan.

Showdown

[After stabbing Laurie, with her falling.] Whoopsie-daisy! What’d you think of the decorations? I like draping humans about. It makes one feel a little less lonely, know what I mean?
[Gets stabbed with knitting needle.] Jeez! So that’s what this feels like? Well, I’m going to rest a bit.  While I’m napping, consider how this needle symbolizes tools of industrial production paradoxically used against the unpredictable, deadly menaces fostered by the alienation and socially coerced atomization of industrial society itself. Smell ya’ later!

[Coat hanger in the eye, stabbed.] A bed sheet, a knitting needle, and now a coat hanger in the eye? What’s with today’s weird theme of all things laundry and fabric? What’s next, I’ll be stalled by static cling? Choked by dryer lint? Jeez-o-petes, man!
[Michael Myers continuously gets shot by Loomis.] Check out these interpretive dance moves! [Falls over a balcony and to the ground below.]  Aw, man!  Now I’ve got grass stains to deal with!  Well, I guess the laundry theme continues.

So, what are your thoughts on these tasteless Michael Myers thoughts? Let us know in the comments!