31 Days of Horror Movies: Vampires Suck, Beware the Blackeyed Peas

In the early 2000’s, there was no question more important than this: “Are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?” At the time as a young and stupid teenager, I was hardcore Team Jacob. Now, as an adult, I realize they were both awful and I’m the captain of Team Charlie. I’ll admit it, I read those wretched books and watched the movies. I was never a super fan and I mostly did it to see what the hype was all about, but I was there and I’m only slightly ashamed to admit it. I’m not ashamed, however, to admit how much I was on the Twilight parody train. If you have never seen Vampires Suck, then you are missing out on some glitter-filled, disco-balled magic. Submitted for the approval of the 31 Days of Horror movies, I present…Vampires Suck, a horror comedy from 2010.

If you thought the Scary Movie franchise was fun, you are in for a treat. I have seen Vampires Suck an ungodly amount of times and I still laugh like a loon each time I watch it. Vampires Suck takes the audience to the soggy town of Sporks. Becca Crane has moved in with her dad, Frank after her mom runs away with Tiger Woods. Becca runs into childhood friend Jacob, who obviously has a thing for Becca and a tendency to chase after squirrels. At school, Becca encounters the Sullen family, the most intriguing is a big haired goof named Edward, who she innately likes.

At the same time, there are unsolved murders plaguing the Sporks police department. While the murders are blamed on Canadians, the murders are actually caused by the Blackeyed Peas, I mean a trio of evil vampires. Becca is introduced to Edward’s family and yada yada yada, Ken Jeong ends up at Becca’s prom as the leader of the Zolturi, Jacob is a chihuahua and there are dudes in short shorts doing a group dance. You know how it goes.

Much like many parody movies, Vampires Suck isn’t a sophisticated comedy. It’s slapstick and d**k jokes. Edward has disco balls for…well, balls. A lot of the jokes are toilet humor but some of them hit so hard, you never expected it. Let me lay out my favorite scene for you. *AHEM*

Frank tells Becca that she needs to learn to protect herself from the Canadians. He gives her pepper spray and tells her to pretend he’s attacking her. She sprays him in the eyes and while he’s crying, he praises her abilities. He then tells her to kick him where it hurts, and she proceeds to hit him…well, where it hurts. In one last attack, he says to go for the mustache and tells her to rip it off. She listens to ole papa and rips the mustache right off his face. As I type it, it doesn’t sound funny, but believe me, it will have you rolling.

Sure, there are a ton of super scary horror movies to watch for Halloween, but sometimes you need something that will make you laugh until you pee. And hey, it’s got vampires and werewolves so it counts as a Halloween movie.

You can watch Vampires Suck now on Amazon Prime Video!