Ash vs Evil Dead: Gravity and turning your kids into Uber drivers

So, our boy Ash Williams has been pretty busy dispensing parental advice in the latest round of Ash vs Evil Dead promos from STARZ. What fresh wisdom could he possibly give us now? Well, how to turn our kids into our personal Uber drivers and blinding us with science!

“Being saddled with grandkids? Even more of a c**kblock!” – Ashley J. Williams

Who Needs Uber When You Have Kids?

Of course, when you have kids, they long for the day when they turn 16 so that they can get behind the wheel of the family car. I was one once and yes, I was counting down the years before I could give my parents heart attacks.

Encourage them! That’s right. The younger the better because when you are at the Woodsman and it’s almost 2 a.m. you sure as hell aren’t getting behind the wheel. Remember, you have a license but its not the fancy DMV kind.

When 2 Moscow Mules turn into 3 or 4 or well, I lost count, who are you going to call? A cab? No way! You just spent your last five on that condom from the men’s room because you never know when you will get lucky!

That is why it is so important to teach your kids how to drive at an early age. Instead of spending twenty dollars to get your drunk ass home from the bar, call your brat! After all, they are eating you out of house and home, they should earn their keep.

You have saved money, avoided a DUI and a night in the grey bar hotel. Problems solved!

Blinded Me with Science

What parent hasn’t worried about teen pregnancy? In today’s world, kids are going to want to experiment and get up to all sorts of hi-jinx. It’s your job as a parent to make sure that they understand that there are consequences to their actions.

Who better to explain this to those impressionable young minds than Ash Williams? Of course. I mean, he put the hammer down on his Phys Ed teacher in the back seat of the Delta. So, he must be some kind of expert, right?

We’re talking about a man who went 50 and 0 during the aughts with his lucky rubber. Let’s face it. You aren’t going to convince your kids that abstinence is the best route so why not tell them like it is.

According to Ash, “You can’t get pregnant if you do it standing up. It’s science.” Uh, well…  “It’s gravity!” Hold on, Jefe.

I don’t think you quite grasp the concept. Remember Branson? How about the episode in the bathroom stall? Now, you have a daughter named Mandy? Sandy? You get the picture.

Next: Ash vs Evil Dead: Ash gives us the lowdown on college and giant statues?

Ash vs Evil Dead the gore fest begins February 25 on Starz at 9 p.m.

Do you think these promos are hilarious? Feel free to share your opinions in the comment section below. We want to hear from you.