Ash vs Evil Dead: Papa Ash gives the “sex” talk to teenagers, yikes!

STARZ dropped yet another promo for Ash vs Evil Dead today.  Papa Ash (Bruce Campbell) provides sage advice for teens considering engaging in pre-marital sex and it is crazy! But then again, what did you expect?

“Kids these days get more action than I did when I was fourteen.” – Ash Williams

Let Ash Tell You about the Birds and the Bees, Kids

In another uproariously funny Ash vs Evil Dead promo released today by STARZ, Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell) provides teens considering doing the horizontal mambo with some “advice.” This seems legit, right?

Of course, it isn’t! Ash is well, being Ash as he lays down the law with Papa Ash’s rules. Just the term “Papa Ash” seems so wrong, doesn’t it?  So, let’s get to these wise guidelines then, shall we?

Sound Advice That You Can Cut with a Chainsaw

More from Horror on TV

• Recap and review of What We Do in the Shadows season 5 episode 9: A Weekend at Morrigan Manor
• 31 Days of Horror: Netflix’s Dear Child is a twisty turney German mystery thriller
• Recap and review of What We Do in the Shadows season 5 episode 8: The Roast
• Classic SpongeBob episodes to binge for Halloween
• Highlights and review of What We Do in the Shadows season 5 episode 7: Hybrid Creatures

Carry protection. This sounds smart. You need to ensure that you remain STD free and that an unwanted pregnancy doesn’t occur. Wait. Are you kidding? That isn’t what Ash meant. He meant a boomstick.

You know, there are a lot of weirdos out there. Some of them may even be Deadites. Not that Ash has any experience with a random chick turning into a demon during the deed or anything like that….

Never do it on a first date. Once again, this is something every parent has probably addressed at one time or another. Oh, there is a loophole?

According to Ash, this rule only applies unless you are with someone super-hot. Whew! Because if he or she is totally babelicious, then it won’t matter if you read from the Necronomicon and conjure up the ultimate evil, right?

Now, we are on to something with the third tenet! Kinky s**t. You sort of knew this one was coming!

If someone wants to have a little weird action, in Ash’s words, “You’ve found yourself a winner! Congratulations!” To each his own, I guess. As long as it doesn’t involve a tetanus shot, I imagine you will be alright or a demonic possession. (I’m looking at you, Kelly Maxwell)!

Catch Ash vs Evil Dead on STARZ beginning February 25 at 9 p.m.

Next: Ash vs Evil Dead: Papa’s getting wasted tonight