American Horror Story Apocalypse season premiere: The End

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the debut of the brand new season of American Horror Story on FX. Join 1428 Elm’s Lorry Kikta as she shares her thoughts on Apocalypse’s first episode, “The End”.

CAUTION: DETAILED SPOILERS AHEAD! WATCH THE EPISODE FIRST

I have been patiently waiting for months for the debut of American Horror Story: Apocalypse and I can say that last night’s “The End” was definitely worth waiting for. Join me in the coming weeks as I recap all the episodes.

“The End” basically starts at…the end of the world as we know it. Or right before anyway. The hilarious Leslie Grossman, who played Meadow in Cult, is back this season as ultra-rich heiress/wannabe Instagram influencer Coco St. Pierre Vanderbilt. She is getting her hair done by hair stylist to the stars, Mr. Gallant, played by AHS royalty, Evan Peters.

Mallory, Coco’s assistant, enters the salon with a pressed juice for Coco, saying that if she’s seen drinking it, she’ll get tons of new followers. Coco hates it and has a fit and then the whole salon gets an alert on their phones. It says a missile is heading for Los Angeles.

“It’s probably just like the Hawaii thing, they’ll retract it like 30 minutes later,” Coco says. She then gets a FaceTime call from her father, letting her know that it is 100% real. He is in Europe and the bomb hits while she’s on the phone with him. Before that happens, he tells her that there is a private plane waiting for her that can take four passengers. Since her family can’t come, she calls her maybe husband/maybe boyfriend Brock, played by her TV husband, Harrison, from Cult, Billy Eichner, who I love. She tells him to get the airport as soon as possible.

Brock (Billy Eichner) is none too pleased to see that he’s been left behind to fend for himself. Image courtesy of FX

Next, we see the inside of an opulent mansion, where the one and only Joan Collins is sitting on the couch. Her maid is fleeing and she scolds her because “You’re being paid for a ten-hour day”. Her maid responds, “It’s the end of the world!” and gets out of there.

In Apocalypse, Joan Collins stars as Evie Gallant, Mr. Gallant’s grandmother. He rushes in and tells her to get ready, that there is a private plane that can rescue them from what’s sure to be the end of the world.

“This is fake news, I’m going to call Donald,” She says to her grandson, which had me dying laughing. AHS has been very good in the last two seasons to put in some very meaningful, yet hilarious social commentary.

Coco’s husband, Brock is trying to get to the airport, but Coco thinks she needs Mallory (played by Billie Lourd who was Winter in Cult) more than him because she doesn’t “know how to work a dishwasher, or open a door.” She calls Brock and tells him that he is free to see other people, and he says he can run to the airport and be there in 10 mins.

Mr. Gallant and his grandmother arrive and Coco is annoyed because they weren’t technically invited, but due to the fact that it’s the end of the world, she lets them get on the plane. How kind. They’re waiting for Brock, but then a gang of airport workers and others who want to escape the blast start approaching the plane. People are shot, and with that, everyone who’s there boards the plane.

As Brock is running through the total chaos which is Santa Monica at that moment (people stealing stuff, shooting people, etc, etc.) he sees the plane fly over head and screams “YOU B—H!!” I really hope that since this is AHS and the show tests the boundaries of suspension of disbelief constantly, that this won’t be Billy Eichner’s only Apocalypse appearance but we shall see.

Evan Peters as Mr. Gallant, hairdresser to the rich and famous, as well as being rich and famous himself. Image courtesy of FX

Anyway, back on board the private plane, Mallory discovers that there is no pilot and the plane is fully automated. This is supposed to be the future..although I’m not sure how far into the future it’s supposed to be yet. Also, the people are rich. As far as I know as a simple workaday peasant, there could be automated robot planes flying wealthy octogenarians off to St. Bart’s or wherever they go as we speak, but I digress. Everyone on board the plane has no idea where they’re going and have no idea what kind of fate lies before them. As they’re about to hit cruising altitude on the plane, it’s shaken and we almost think they’ll crash, but they don’t. We see out the window a mushroom cloud from the nuclear explosion that has hit the city of Los Angeles.

Next, we see a title card that says “40 Minutes Before the Bomb.” We’re in the kitchen of a regular old family home. A mother, who is played by Dina Meyer, who was all over every show and movie at some point in the 90’s, including Paul Verhoeven’s sci-fi satire masterpiece, Starship Troopers. Her son, Timothy Campbell (Kyle Allen), just got accepted to UCLA. She, Timothy, and his younger brother are all celebrating. Then their amber alerts go off. They look at the tv. The reporter says that it’s the end. Then there is a pounding on the door. They’re let in and it’s a team of what look like government agents. They say that Timothy is a “primary candidate” and when he asks for what, the agent says “survival”.

They found Timothy’s DNA from “one of those ancestry websites” and they want him to come with them to a place that’s been set up by “The Cooperative”. They can only take Timothy and not his brother or the rest of his family. They pretty much drag him out kicking and screaming and that is most likely the last time he will ever see his family again, although I rule out zero possibilities for AHS in general, so it’s hard to say for sure.

The agents bring him to a facility that has stacks of large cells. Timothy is in a middle cell, one above, and one below. The cell above him is occupied by Emily (Ash Santos) who was dragged out of her bed while she was asleep by the same agents, who didn’t tell her anything. Probably because she was in jail for protesting and they didn’t think she needed to be extended the same courtesy.

Moments later, Emily and Timothy feel the blast in the cells.

“This isn’t real, it’s not happening, it’s not” Timothy cries.

There is then a shot of the outside world. It is definitely what one would imagine if one were to think of nuclear winter.

Joan Collins – Evie Gallant – Courtesy of FX

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We’re then hit with another title card that says “Two Weeks Later”. The agents at whatever place Timothy and Emily are being held are transporting them to a “Cooperative” outpost. While in the car, Timothy asks the agent who will be there.

“Others like you and people who can afford it,” the agent says.

“Oh rich people, of course,” says Emily. Which echoes my thoughts exactly, to be perfectly honest.

The agent goes on to say that it’s because of the rich people’s money that they’re able to go to this outpost in the first place and then finally they reach the outpost. Emily and Timothy have to put on big yellow Hazmat suits. A big gate opens, and then shuts behind them. They appear to be in the absolute middle of nowhere. They’re being led around by people in gas masks that look like a mix of Darth Vader and Medieval plague doctors. As the Darth Vader gas mask people lead Emily and Timothy into the compound, they see off to the side a man and a woman in gray uniforms yelling and pleading to more Darth Vader gas mask people and then both get shot. They are then led through a tall maze like stone entry way that ends with a door that one of the agents pushes a button to open.

One of the Outpost 3 guards. Image courtesy of FX

They all walk down a long dark hallway to a room with circular indentations in the floor and ceiling and look almost like what one would expect a gas chamber to look like, which is appropriate because everyone has to stand on and under these circles to get spayed by some kind of gaseous mist. A buzzer goes off and two unmasked attendants come in and remove Timothy and Emily’s hazmat suits. Then without even seeing her face, you know it’s Sarah Paulson entering the room. She’s walking with a limp and using a cane. The camera turns and you see her standing there. She greets the two. Her name is Wilhelmina Venable (oddly enough my fourth grade teacher’s name was Ms. Venable as well, but I digress).

She takes Timothy and Emily on a tour around the enormous outpost that used to be a boy’s school. It is lit entirely by candles. Timothy makes a comment about how these billionaires should have been able to afford a generator to which Wilhelmina responds, “Technology is what destroyed the world. Social media made everyone feel like they were equals..”and she then continues on with some Social Darwinism about the natural order being restored. She also refers to the bomb as a “cleansing fire” and says this is not the end but the beginning. Ms. Venable is obviously a little privileged, to say the least.

Wilhelmina then tells Emily and Timothy that since they are purples, they get their own private suites.

“What’s a purple?,” Timothy asks.

“The elite, the worthy, those chosen to…survive”

She then explains that along with purples there are also grays, which are the “worker ants” of Outpost 3.

“Grays are here to serve and grateful for the opportunity.”

It’s all a little sickening honestly. That the rich people of the world end up going back to the olden days of caste systems and indentured servitude.

“So you’re not a purple,” Emily says to Wilhelmina.

“I am neither,” she replies, “Think of me as the strong right arm of the cooperative. Think of me as their face.”

Ms. Venable then relays the house rules:

1. You will refer to me only as Ms. Venable
2. You may not leave the building
3. No unauthorized copulation of any kind under any circumstances.

She then shows them to their rooms where they each have purple clothes, because they’re purples, after all. She instructs them to meet everyone for cocktails in the music room at 6:30. “Be prompt, there’s no excuse for tardiness when there’s nothing else to do.”

What Timothy (Kyle Allen) and Emily (Ash Santos) see on their way into Outpost 3. Image courtesy of FX.

When Timothy gets out of the shower, 666 is written with the condensation of the shower door, and a voice whispers “Timothy, beware.” It’s our first little hint that this place is evil.

Since Ms. Venable told Emily and Timothy that in the outpost, everyone has to “dress for dinner”, we next see the two entering the music room where our previous billionaires, Coco, Mr. Gallant and his grandmother, Evie are sitting, amongst others.

One of the others in the room is Dinah Stevens, a former incredibly famous talk show host, played by series regular Adina Porter. Additionally there are Andre (Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman) and Stu (Chad James Buchanan). It isn’t made clear whether or not these two were billionaires when the world existed or had the DNA of a “primary candidate”.  Mallory is also  there, but because Mr. Gallant refused to touch Coco St. Pierre Vanderbilt’s hair unless he was a purple, Mallory is now a gray, with a hairdo that sort of makes her look like a resident of Dr. Seuss’ Whoville.

Ms. Venable rings a bell and says “Dinner is served”. The group goes to an extremely glamorous dining room table, considering this is a nuclear fallout shelter, and take their places. They are all greeted with tiny gelatinous cubes. Everyone is mumbling about how terrible it is, what a disappointment is and Evie retorts “You don’t know what disappointment is ’til you’ve slept with Yul Brenner.”

Joan Collins has most of the best lines in the premiere except for the following tirade from Coco after she sees the gelatinous cube on her plate, “F— this Bull—-,” she screams, “for all the money that I spent, I expect G– Damn Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen cooking us real food!”

Then, to my extreme delight, Kathy Bates, who is thankfully back this season playing Ms. Miriam Mead, an ex-military officer who now seems to head up security at the outpost, slaps Coco in the face. Afterwards, Ms. Venable informs the group that they have enough nutrition to last them 18 months, and that the beige jello provides them what they need.

There’s then an alarm, apparently something penetrated the grounds, a carrier pigeon sent from the Cooperative. Apparently Outpost 3 is one of the very few surviving outposts. Ms. Mead tells everyone how lucky they are, that people on the outside are starving and would kill someone for a piece of bread. There are no more governments and the people in the outposts are the only vestiges of civilized life on the planet (that we know of, thus far).

All of this took two weeks. Andre is marveling at how little time it took.

“You think that the system was a rock but it was a water balloon,” Ms. Mead responds. She then goes around the table with a geiger counter, checking everyone for radiation. As she passes by Mr. Gallant, the geiger counter goes crazy. He’s freaking out because he knows for sure he didn’t go outside. The geiger counter goes even more crazy over Stu, who also claims to have not gone outside.

Kathy Bates stars as ex-military Outpost 3 security personnel Ms. Miriam Meade. Image courtesy of FX

They are violently escorted away from the table to a decontamination chamber where people in the weird suits hose them down and scrub them with huge industrial grade brushes. They’re both screaming from the pain. Mr. Gallant doesn’t have a high reading on the geiger counter anymore. Stu screams that he’ll do the whole process again. Both Mr. Gallant and Stu are lying naked, face down on the ground. Ms. Mead says to Stu “Oh, you won’t have to,” and then shoots him in the head. Mr. Gallant screams and cries.

We are then taken to Ms. Venable’s bedroom. She is looking into a mirror as there’s a knock on the door.

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It’s Miriam and underneath a black cloak she is wearing a red Victorian dress.

The two of them are playing cards and drinking wine. Miriam talks about how easy it is to fake a reading on a geiger counter and we discover that Stu and Mr. Gallant weren’t actually exposed to radiation. These two are up to some evil shenanigans, which isn’t too surprising.

Wilhelmina says to Miriam about killing people, “I love their faces and the stupid ‘I can’t believe this is happening to me” look. I’m not embarrassed to say it gives me a little tingle.”

Miriam says that she’s military and so was her father and grandfather, that killing is in her blood but that she still respects the chain of command and feels guilty about going against “The Cooperative.”

“There is no cooperative, there’s only us,” Wilhelmina responds.

We’re then taken back to the dining room where everyone is complaining about how stir crazy they’re becoming. Ms. Venable and Ms. Mead enter the room with a large bowl.

“As a small consolation, we have a special treat for you,” says Miriam.

Wilhelmina then says some words of (false) solidarity, “There is no us and them, we’re all in this together.”

Everyone at the dinner table starts chowing down on the stew.

“I’ve never tasted anything like it before,” Dinah exclaims.

One of the guests pulls a (human) tooth out of their mouth that they bit down on.

“It’s chicken,” Miriam says sternly.

Next, Andre pulls a bone out of his mouth and says “tell me this doesn’t look like a finger.”

The whole group comes to realize that Wilhelmina and Miriam fed them Stu.

“The stew is Stu,” Andre yells. Mr. Gallant throws up. Everyone starts panicking. Except for Evie who exclaims, “I don’t care what it is, it’s absolutely divine, and it has a lot of fiber!”

The same song starts playing again. Andre calls Evie a monster for eating him. Ms. Venable and Miriam deny it’s him and Andre screams, demanding to see his body.

Back in the music room, the song finally switches to a classic 60’s song talking about how there’s a morning after. Mr. Gallant is convinced that the songs are messages and that The Cooperative is coming to save them.

A title card then transports us to 18 months later, everyone is in the music room listening to the same song, and of course they haven’t been saved.  We find out that Timothy and Emily are carrying on a bit of an affair. No unauthorized copulation, just sneaking kisses when they can. In a voice over Timothy says it’s “enough to keep us from dying inside.”

People are starting to lose it. Mr. Gallant suggests that they eat someone. Coco’s hair is HILARIOUS. It’s poofed out and obviously hasn’t been fixed by anyone in A WHILE.

They’re then all seated at the table. Ms. Venable announces that they will now only be eating one meal per day, stating it’s “not optimal, but not impossible.”

Everyone is pissed. They feel as though they’re all just sitting around waiting to die.

“What are you gonna do? Shoot us all?” Mr. Gallant asks.

Again, there’s a breach at the compound, but this time it’s not a pigeon. A horse drawn carriage is approaching Outpost 3. The horses are wearing gas masks, and the carriage is driven by someone in the creepy Darth Vader-esque suit.

I’m sure, if you’ve seen Season 1, you might have an idea of who’s inside the carriage, but I will confirm your suspicions. It’s Michael Langdon, the baby of Tate Langdon and Vivian Harmon, all grown up! He’s played by Cody Fern who starred in American Crime Story: The Assassination of Gianni Versace. 

He says to Wilhelmina, “There’s another facility. I’ll be here selecting ones most worthy of survival.”

While he’s saying this, we see that the horses have cancerous tumors on them and are then killed by the masked men.

“Those who make it, live,” Michael says with a smile, “Those who don’t, end up like my horses.”

Baby AntiChrist, Michael Langdon (Cody Fern), all grown up! Image courtesy of FX

AHHHHHHHHH! It was such a great first episode to the season. Of course it leaves us all with a million questions but that’s what a season opener is supposed to do. I can’t wait to see where it goes, and I’m looking forward to when we see our old friends from Season 1 and Season 3. Apparently, this season doesn’t have any rules about one person playing more than one character, since we know that Cordelia Foxx will star in this season and is also played by Sarah Paulson. I’m very intrigued to see how they pull all this together and I really, really, really hope it works!

Stay tuned for my continuing recaps of Murder House and Coven, and I’ll be back next week with a recap of episode 2 of Apocalypse, “The Morning After“.